Feel My Spirit Rise
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Friday, January 7, 2005
Before It Was Over
Before it was over, it never began.
There were things in the way
And It just ran
All the way too many years
Past the time
That you and I grew
Apart yet together
Goals in sight and tasks at hand.
(So how did it begin? )
This time,
Beginning with a clear mind
And searching souls
One strong heart
One lonely heart
Both longing for the peace
Searching for the love
Of centuries to come.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
10:33AM
I think there are definite changes that need to be made here.
I have been RPing on IRC for a long time. I haven't been actively RPing in a very long time. Nick and I have a chance to become nifty main characters for a RP/IRC channel. So, I am working on my characters and some I have to shift and shape into different things with different history. I felt comfortable doing so here.
My list of past characters:
Lisa SkyClaw Windfire:
Lisa was born in Edios a planet that exists as an exile for those turned away and shunned from society. However, the planet is very peaceful and full of magic. Lisa is a gargoyle with long black hair, sea green eyes and similar color skin. Her wings are different and feathery, unlike a lot of other gargoyles and dragons/lizards.
I don't know if I would resurrect her or not. At the time, I was paired up with my ex bf. So RPing was more personal back then but it is not now.
I could resurrect her brother though. Just create something different but personality the same. Donnavan also being a gargoyle had this 'Han Solo' type mentaility and sarcasm but with one exception. Donnavan was always drinking or getting drunk etc etc. He used to be a paid assasin but turned to the 'good side' and fell in love with this beautiful elven girl. However, she was kidnapped never to return so he fell back on the booze again. He's a great side kick, never usually a hero but will fight the bad - sometimes the good if they decide to misbehave.
I wish I could figure out a way to conjure up Mildred. This odd character of mine was created by chance. She was Lisa and Donnavan's nanny. She's an orc but not the green or red colored skin orc. She's white, with icy blue eyes and very articulate. It was said that she was rescued by Lisa and Donnavan's father in a slave camp. She was taught the "proper" way to behave in society there in Edios. Mildred has a Brittish accent and is about 6'8''. Most people fear her appearance at first unless you know her. --- If you have any CLUE how I could get this personality into some other form with another type of history, let me know!!!
One character that I played a long time ago and the one I will start with is a werewolf character named Claire. She's got silvery hair and icy blue eyes. Although her hair is silver, her age is young - around 30ish. She's very sensitive to ther werewolves and her soul brother is Scian (also a werewolf). They both wear crystals around their necks, her's red and his green. I don't know how I am going to introduce her into this new RP but I am sure I will and she will find a way.
I have Heathen too. A shapeshifter. She's the only character that I never put any of my physical traits into. She's very skinny, blond hair and blue eyed - very hot modelesque looking...totally not like me at all. But her heart is like mine. :)
These are some of the background characters I have to work with....now just to figure out who to work with and what to do with them.
I think my older characters work.
I don't play evil characters easily.....
But any input would help me out a lot!
Friday, October 31, 2003
In the driveway...
Leaning up against your truck...
Smiling, eyes squinting from the sun...
The rush of youth grabs hold of your legs...
I have a teary smile that won't ever fade...
At last, my love has come along...
Current mood:  hopeful
Monday, October 20, 2003
Let go of the past.
Let go of the present negatives.
Embrace the present positives.
Learn and move on.
Life is too short to dwell.
Current mood:  angry
Wednesday, August 6, 2003
I say a prayer for you at night, every night?
When I stare off into space, I'm thinking of you?
If I'm alone, I wish you were with me?
I could give you a hug at least once an hour EVERY hour?
That your words linger in my heart and mind for days?
I want to get to know those you surround yourself with?
AND make a good impression?
Each time you smile, I get so excited, I just think I might puke?
I pace a little bit more each day as it gets closer?
When I sing a song, I smile and think of singing it to you?
I'm a lot more deep and compassionate about things that I lead on to be?
I'm sensitive and hurt easily?
I know you're sensitive and hurt easily?
I think you wish you were closer to me? Location wise and heart wise?
I wish you were too? on all accounts?
I feel you respect me more than I sometimes do myself?
I feel about myself and my choices because of your observations to me?
Maybe I did write your name? Just maybe? :)
This is the first time I have been able to keep up responsiblities well and still be involved?
I want to be more involved with you?
That Im sincere, truly?
I'd give you all my favorite flavored life savers?
Stinging at first.
Just slightly.
Do you feel it too?
Then heat starts to eminate.
Raising up to hit my cheeks.
Do you feel it too?
Flames racing up and down,
Filling my chest with euphoric bliss.
Do you feel it too?
Sweat begins to drip off my brow.
Into my eyes, creating a cloudy fog.
Which makes you all the more beautiful.
Current mood:  nervous
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Chose the path...
Chose a staff...
Light the candle by the wind.
Raven flies...
Wolf cries...
Sweep the demons away.
Glowing moon...
Singing tune...
Getting lost looking into your eyes.
Current mood:  chipper
Here is an OLD poem of mine.
Before It Was Over
Before it was over, it never began.
There were things in the way
And It just ran
All the way too many years
Past the time
That you and I grew
Apart yet together
Goals in sight and tasks at hand.
(So how did it begin? )
This time,
Beginning with a clear mind
And searching souls
One strong heart
One lonely heart
Both longing for the peace
Searching for the love
Of centuries to come.
6/5/01
Current mood: hopeful
Friday, July 18, 2003
Of wet luscious sheets.
Spindeau Ballet lies.
Late night retreats.
Big Sky Country.
Bottle spinning kisses.
The Cure.
Shivering slow dances.
Prince.
These are what the eighties were made of.
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Deep inside
Dark and narrow
Long and wide
Looping in half circles
Full of red
Liquid beating around
Blackened places
Purple traces
Fleshy wrapped vines
Beat fast
As dreams hit them.
Current mood:  contemplative
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
I think it's funny that when I wear a mini skirt dress to work that I - get looks by the men.
But my 49 yr old network admin thinks it's not long enough.
It comes to just below my knee in the back for crying out loud.
Blah.
Let me have my summer.
I deserve to get looks from the dudes.
I look good...
Sexy even.
Tee! :P
Friday, June 13, 2003
1. Listening to my daughter giggle in her sleep, like an angel.
2. The sun, the moon, the stars continuing to continue on...for us all.
3. Music. In any shape or form.
4. The wind, a breeze, a storm, a shadow.
5. Creative, delious, nutriously prepared food.
6. Water color paints.
7. Snow, leaves, fire.
8. Unicorns, fairies and my most favorite of all - DRAGONS!
9. Being Irish. It really rocks.
10. Um hair dye? LOL.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Isn't there time enough for us to see the stars shoot by.
Isn't there more lingering prolonged kissing going on.
Isn't this the time, for now could be all we have.
Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever done and continue to amaze yourself by doing many more.
Isn't our time allowing us to hug more often and more people.
It's not that I'm some happy hippy tree hugging pot smokin fool...
It's not that I'm some naive little girl, with rose colored glasses...
It's not that I'm a fragile child lingering onto shadows of dreams.
No, it's not that at all.
Just why aren't we all much happier, than we are anyway?
Current mood: contemplative
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Filled with fireflies.
Hazy moons.
Dew touched leaves.
Grilled mosquite smoked food.
Philosophical conversation.
Downtown Burlington.
Margaritas.
Tigerlilys
Dancing with my daughter under the stars.
MUSIC.
Singing in the showers..
Thunder storms.
Planting flowers.
Fortune cookies.
Wading in a pool of clear blue water.
Feeling the sun beat upon my face.
Feeling myself smile.
Feeling the crisp moon light up my face and the yard.
Dreaming of you in the distance.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Random happy thoughts of what summer means to me.
_________________________________________________________________
Need You.
I can't help be see the silence,
In between the places we used to be,
It blocks my vision, my insight, my intuitions
Of things that I need to see.
Calling upon your help,
To make it right,
Calling upon your help,
I need you here tonight.
Manipulations of the present,
Strike the match and light the fire,
The sun raises in the distance, sun catching, sun screening.
Were you there beneath the ashes?
Of the things I need to be?
Calling upon your help,
To make it right,
Calling upon your help,
I need you tonight.
And if we fail,
We've at least tried.
And if we fail,
Tomorrow won't ever hide.
The fact that you and I tried....
I can't help but feel the cold chills,
In the corners of my heart,
It burns that freezing little spot of mine to numbness,
Of the things I am now.
Calling upon your help,
To make it right,
Calling upon your help,
I need you tonight.
Kinda depressing and sing songy. :P
Current mood: hopeful
Wednesday, June 4, 2003
For all those times I decided - Enough is enough.
For all those times I sighed - squinting my eyes.
For all those times I ignore - clicking the "X".
For all those times I just let the phone - ring - ring - answering machine.
For all those times I turned away - not knowing what to do.
For all those times I made really poor choices...
For hurting, for maming, for cutting, for stabbing, for manipulating, for lying, for doubting, for cursing, for yelling, for crying, for regretting......
I see where my dreadful mistakes in life have cost me a great deal of happiness. Although I no longer regret making mistakes in my life or chosing to do things poorly, I still learn and look back at what could have been.
I do not see this as a pity party. I do feel sorry for myself. I AM growing and learning.
Cherish those people in your life. Although they may SEEM spiteful at times, or hurtful, or foolish, or stupid....or hateful.. Cherish each and every single word.
Because tomorrow it may be gone forever.
I feel I am getting my karmic payback.
------------------------------------------------------------
Next Issue.
I have been portrayed as being an angel. I have been seen as some kind of sweet, kind, nice, benevolent spirit that floats around high on life - loving every living thing.
Please.
Can we be realistic?
I believe in helping others. However, I chose to disconnect myself from a friend that was going through breast cancer becuase she was "using me" too much. ---- That's called a bigtime karmic FUCK UP.
I took on a new boyfriend just to relieve my painful lonliness (and seperate myself from Nick - DUMBASS KARMIC MISTAKE TAKE 2)and ended up finding out he was more detrimental to my family - violent, angry, hitting - abusive - than just waiting it out and taking my time to get into the next relationship. Yeah, I'm a big dumbass.
How about the times I have decided to do things against my family due to fear and money - like go to my sister's wedding in Las Vegas. Since then, I have curbed my fear of flying and know how to get pretty good discounts on tickets. Yet again - dumbass moves.
See. This is ALL ABOUT ME FIXING ME.
I am not kind all the time. I am not superhuman, never even claimed to be.
I cannot be a hero or your hero all the time. I don't dare try. We can only be heros for short periods of time here. We can't save everyone. But EVERYONE at SOME point or another IS a HERO to SOMEONE. Be forewarned your time may be coming.
I painstaking MAKE my EX be a good dad to HIS daughter by threatening privleges he takes advantage of on a regular BASIS. I am sure somewhere along the way I am going to get a good kick in the ASS for that one as well. However, the consequences of this one have been quite positive for all concerned.
I have not resolved my issues from when Michael left. I JUST decided to talk to him. The pain is going away now...and yeah, I pretend I am JUST fine. Why should anyone have to see what I go through with people that hurt me? Why should I have to CRY and CRY when I was taught it was wrong?It was BAD?It was STUPID?
Nicole said I am an emotional queen. I repress and repress and then, I act all goofy, short and make poor choices. If I just expressed my feelings more often -I would be balanced. I agree.
Once again - just all the more reason to repent somehow and spiritually cleanse.
High on life is someone that can see ANY positive to a negative. I can for the most part, for everyone else but ME. I suck right now. I am paying for dumbass shit I have done. I am pathetic.
I look to the sky and dream of being happy with someone. Hell, if I cannot be happy with myself, how can I be happy with SOMEONE else?????
I have got to be happy within myself.
I am learning to do that. I am learning that I can listen without making suggestions. I can hug just for hugsake. I can be a friend without having to prove ANYTHING. I am a good person just by being there.
I have had to be so proactive in my life, I have had to be el numero advocate, cheerleader, confidant (sp?), dreamcatchingchangingdreammakingmachine ---- OR SO I THOUGHT.
It's time to change. It's time to change NOT changing others.
Let FREEWILL do what it should and TRUST.
God, that word makes me wince at times. I am timid, I am trusting and then get beat down by myself moreso than others by my choices in situations - THAT is what makes me NOT trust. Why did I not see that before? So nervous, so anxious about making bad problems go away and forgetting to resolve the one person's problems that should be the most important. MINE.
I am starting to get it now. Whomever deemed this epiphany or sent it to me I blow you 1000s kisses and hugs.
Thank you! :)
Current mood: contemplative
Monday, June 2, 2003
Not sure - wanted to say something profound.
I didn't watch 'Braveheart' again. Not all the way through.
I just can't do it. I was promised to watch it with...Nick.
I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. I am sure he's very busy. But I hope he knows I am thinking of him and love and miss him very very much.
Ah yes....maybe this is what it was I was going to say -
Thoughts on Fears.
If all my fears were diamonds....
Placed into the cave of dreams....
They would fill a thousand trains...
To feed and clothe all the poor in the world.
---------------------------------------------------------
For all the fears I suffer with.....
And all the tears I've cried........
I know could fill the sea...........
-----------------------------------------------------
The unknown plagues me.
It eats out my eyeballs.
It scrapes out my guts.
It cuts off my limbs.
It makes me suffer, to no end.
-----------------------------------------------------
What makes me lie awake at night
Is not that I am alone.
Is not that I am lonely
For I am not.
What makes me lie awake at night
Is not that I can't do this.
Is not that I am unable
For I am.
What makes me lie awake at night
Is not that I am blind.
Is not that I can't see you
For I see.
What makes me lie awake at night
Is not that I have problems.
Is not that I have issues
For I don't.
What make me lie awake at night
Are the stars that shine brightly
The moon speaks softly to me
The ocean tides crash into shore
All of them sing a song that calls me to you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
What if one day I woke up
And you were gone?
Nowhere to be found?
No one would know where you went?
Nothing had happened to make us question?
My life would change forever.
Please don't go without first saying goodbye....
---------------------------------------------------------------
The golden locks of little heads...
Spinning in the field
Jumbled up with the browns and reds
The blacks and strawberries...
The head of bouncing soccer players.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Alright. Enough melancohly bullshit.
:)
Current mood:  melancholy
Friday, May 30, 2003
I mean. There is but how?
I have been cut off.
From your life.
I have been basically told - you're not welcome here right now.
Why?
I did something wrong?
I DID something?
Hard to do something from 1000's of miles away.
Well, I will let you wallow.
Your self pity is not mine to sympathize with or empathize OR even internalize.
*sigh*
Like A Stone. I wait.
Current mood:  sad
Thursday, May 29, 2003
7:57AM
At night I look up into the sky and just stare at it.
Waiting.
For something...someone...epiphany? anything?
Maybe.
What makes a relationship?
What is intimacy?
What does committing to someone mean?
Sometimes, I just don't know.
Down the darkened streets
Of my realm
Looking at the silver lining
On the blackened dirty pavement
Shining from the muddy puddles.
Current mood: hopeful
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